The New Crew

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Season 1
Air Date: September 12th, 2015
The New Crew
The Zarlin Catacombs
The Silvermine Mountains

The New Crew is the ninth official Campaign of URealms Live, it aired on September 12th, 2015. In this campaign, the Bocoe hires new crew members for a new Pirate adventure.



Character Race Class Player
Cain Icon.png Cain Black Boar Warrior Deadbones
Ladyir Icon.png Ladyir Elf Wizard Justin
Marco Icon.png Marco Goblin Swashbuckler Roamin
Polo Icon.png Polo Goblin Buccaneer Roamin
Rick Snot Icon.png Rick Snot Elf Wizard Coestar


Character Race Class
Merci Icon.png Merci Porc Buccaneer
McCoy Icon.png McCoy Porc Swashbuckler
Jo Krysstal Icon.png Jo Krysstal Kobold Booty Raider
Octivias Icon.png Octivias Black Boar Lumberjack
Kinney Boots Icon.png Kinney Boots Kobold Swashbuckler
Maelstrom Icon.png Maelstrom Kobold
Phineas Barringster Icon.png Phineas Barringster Elf Cabalist
Bob Icon.png Bob Keen Paladin
Virgo Sunsword Icon.png Virgo Sunsword Elf Paladin

Battle Encounters[edit]

Plot Summary[edit]

Captain Merci has been given a new mission from Nisovin that requires a larger crew. The mission calls for Captain Merci to obtain the orange key from the Sunswords on their vacation island, similar to the quest in Band of Thieves. To Merci's dismay, Rick Snot is Nisovin's apprentice and, as a result, automatically a part of the crew. Merci puts McCoy in charge of recruiting more crew members. First comes a Kobold named Rupert Bearstein who claims to love stabbing and has killed a million men despite not having anything he could possibly stab anyone with on him. Next, an investor businessman walks up, but McCoy mocks his accent by imitating it. The gnome claimed he would invest money in the pirates, but walks away after McCoy mocks his voice. A dwarf walks up, not interested in joining the crew, but wants to touch McCoy’s arm.

Another Kobold, Maelstrom, approaches McCoy and asks to join the group. McCoy challenges him to kill Rupert, which he does with ease; he is allowed on the ship. Then a porc named Cain comes up and asks to join the ship as well. Cain shows his "friend" Tom to McCoy, which is a kobold head he uses as a puppet. He is also let on to the ship but told he's not allowed to eat anyone, which makes him upset. Master Cabalist Phineas comes up and asks McCoy to join the ship; McCoy makes him go get a note from his parents. Young Ladyir attempts to join the ship but fails. Phineas comes back claiming to have killed both of his parents and is let on the ship.

Merci is approached by two goblins, Marco and Polo who are blind and deaf. Merci isn't convinced that they are actually master assassins but allows them on the ship so they can do their "special move". McCoy is now by the ship, and Bob (Justin’s character from Sunswords) comes up to him asking for a ride on the ship so he can see his "wife" (assumed to be Gwyneth). Bob threatens McCoy by saying if McCoy does not let him on, he will notify the Sunswords of their travel; however, he is counter blackmailed by McCoy when McCoy threatens to kill Bob's "wife". Consequently, Bob reluctantly pays for passage.

Ladyir has sneaked onto the ship and hidden himself in Merci's cabin when they set sail. Maelstrom and Jo talk about possible mutiny and make an agreement that Jo will not get in his way. Cain and Rick are talking, and Cain is attempting to convice Rick to swim in a barrel (because Cain is allowed to eat things in barrels). However, Rick does not get in a barrel. Merci reminds Cain that he cannot eat crew members and tells him to get some fish yogurt. Excited, Cain busts through the wrong door, and the top half of his body gets stuck in Merci's cabin. Cain spots Ladyir, who is now terrified. Cain says that if Ladyir jumps in his mouth, he will become a pirate. Ladyir sticks his hand in Cain's mouth, and Cain bites Ladyir's hand off. Merci enters through the other door and tends to Ladyir while Rick casts spells at Cain's butt, in an attempt to get him loose. Cain uses whirlwind to get himself loose, sending Rick flying back and knocking him unconscious, making Cain panic and run after him. Cain shakes Rick, which successfully wakes him up.

Merci asks Ladyir why he wants to be a pirate so badly. Ladyir reveals that he doesn't have long to live because he has Kobold Rabies. Merci lets him join the front lines with Cain. After Cain has woken Rick up, he shows him Tom. Rick is impressed by Cain's "role-playing" abilities and asks if he wants to join his party. Cain is confused but accepts. Maelstorm walks up to McCoy, who is steering the ship, and asks for his pirate name. McCoy names him Patches McOneEye, which Patches accepts but is very obviously upset about. Phineas is talking down to the goblins and spits on them, but he misses and hits Bob instead.

Bob and Phineas have a talk and Bob mentions they are going to Laeyuleaugh, which worries Phineas because he doesn't want people to see him with the pirates because the Sunswords will tell his parents. In an effort to make him feel better, Bob teaches him how to perform a chokehold. Phineas nearly chokes Bob to death, but he escapes. Phineas then casts a blanket of darkness and starts acting crazy, making Bob no longer trust him.

Night comes and a meta-level UR Live game happens with Rick as DM. Bob notices they are near the island, and with Merci's permission, leaves the boat to head over to the island, promising not to interfere with their raiding plans. The meta-level campaign sees Patches, Cain, Marco/Polo and Ladyir on a boat, sailing to an island full of skeletons and evil zombie janitors. Maelstrom asks how the game works, and Rick says they are all playing elves trying to fetch a ruby. However, after some talk from the players, Rick changes it to be a party of skeletons going to go fight elves. Rick (deciding the dice on a meta level, as they’re not rolling), dubs Ladyir the leader - but after being threatened by Maelstrom, lets Maelstrom be the leader, and lets Cain be the first mate. The ruby will make them all skeleton kings. They are attacked by a group of elves, which they defeat. Then pan kittens come and use the baby skeleton as a sacrifice.

Patches starts questioning why they are taking the ruby as they come upon it, and they elect not to pick it up. A dragon comes down and defeats them, ending the Meta level game. Cain then bites off Rick’s entire arm, causing Merci to run over and deal with it, telling him that they can get him a new arm.

The ship finally reaches shore and Merci tells Joe to inspire the men. Joe isn’t doing a very good job until he gets them all to sing “Fuck the Kobolds”. Merci is pleased with how the men have been rallied and after much deliberation decides that he, McCoy, Cooper (McCoy's pot puppy), Patches, Joe, and Rick will lead the raid into the town. An elf comes up to McCoy, asking them why they came to port so late at night. While McCoy argues with him, Patches sneaks up behind the elf and brutally murders him.

During the combat, Rick kills his first ever person, brutally murdering them with arcane missiles. He then also casts a blizzard and cuts through a house with a beam, eviscerating another man and thoroughly impressing Merci. However, as Merci is congratulating Rick, Rick turns and accidentally unloads 7 missiles into Merci, cutting off one of his ears and destroying his hat. Furthermore, Jo accidentally shoots a palm tree, and the deflected shot hits McCoy in the back of the head. Maelstrom accidentally blinks into the Drink, but he is capable of swimming, so it is not an issue.

Shop: All guys earned 500 gold from the encounter. Items could only be bought for the new characters; returning characters from Dingo Isles were not able to benefit from the shop. Justin took a ring. Deadbones adopted a pot puppy. Coestar buys the Hammer of Light. Roamin steals the Masterful Ruby (applied to Shiver Me Timbers), buys the Monocle of Magic Sight, and buys the Coin of Providence.

Captain Merci arrives at the mansion with Rick, Ladyir, Marco-Polo, and Cain. In one of the shops, McCoy and Phineas converse and talk about burning the books and how Cooper, as a pot puppy, probably doesn’t have long to live, especially as at one point it lost a leg without McCoy noticing. McCoy also warns Phineas that his tentacle arm comes with bad dreams of people who are tentacles. Phineas also confesses that he’s bored of becoming a pirate, and talks about how he likes hearing the minds of those he ruins with Blanket of Darkness. The two bond over how they’re both messed up and continue ransacking the house.

Meanwhile, Merci and his men talk about finding the key. He tells them to just find the key and not worry about the elves unless they start to attack while he watches the door. Marco and Polo buckle and completely destroy the first room making a cleric run in. Ladyir helps the goblins. Rick runs to the lake and summons a frost elemental. Cain destroys two book cases making two Sunswords notice his presence. Fenrus is summoned via whistle. Marco attempts to see Fenrus’ max stamina; however, he cannot because he is blind. Cain throws his puppy at Fenrus, who pretty much eats the dog. Rick sends his frost elemental to go attack Fenrus, and refers to his Urealms Dungeoneer Encyclopedia to see what he can find out about the current situation - Finding that Fenrus creates sun tiles wherever he walks, and standing on them will cause them to explode and give the Sunclerics enough energy for a bonus action. Fenrus runs at Rick, but gets momentarily stuck in the door, unable to reach him.

Marco and Polo continue to attack the elves while Ladyir runs ahead to search for the key and then shields himself from attacks. Rick begins unloading all his spells into Fenrus. He then refers to the encyclopedia once again, finding out that Fenrus has 200 max stamina and is able to regenerate stamina. Ladyir finally finds the key and notifies everyone in the house. Everyone finds their way out of the house except for Merci who gets captured.

They all rendezvous back at the boat. Because Merci is captured, McCoy is the new captain, and he leaves, though Joe and Patches are still in town. Patches attacks Joe because he’s mad they sang the “Fuck the Kobolds” song, thinking he was making fun of him. He reveals his red eye to Joe before brutally murdering him.

McCoy wants to rescue Merci but knows it is not possible, and he is driving the ship back home (presumably to get to Nisovin). Phineas asks who the new first mate will be, suggesting Rick. However, McCoy says Cooper, his pot puppy, is the new first mate, causing Phineas to get angry. McCoy tires of their arguing and tosses a coin in the air saying whoever catches it is the second mate. Cain catches it and Phineas tries to get it from him but he fails. While this is happening, another ship pulls up next to them filled with Sunswords and Merci on the ship. They are very obviously outnumbered.

Phineas attempts to convince McCoy that they should surrender; the man driving the ship is his godfather. McCoy doesn’t listen to him and combat starts. Marco and Polo launch themselves through a canon onto the other ship; this is their special goblin move. McCoy has trained Cooper to drive the ship, so McCoy joins in the fight, letting his dog steer. He tells Cooper to pull right so the two ships collide. Bob, also on the side of the Sunswords, makes his way onto the Bocoe and goes below deck. Rick decides to hide under a buck and look up Virgo Sunsword at this point he realizes they will not win this fight. Bob takes Octavious into custody. McCoy finds Merci who tells him to stand down or he will lose his life. McCoy reluctantly stands down.

Cain, attempting to sink the ship, headbutts it many times but fails, so he gives up and climbs onto the ship. An elf saves Ladyir from drowning and holds him on the bow of the ship. The goblins gain control of the wheel and start steering it back into the other ship. Cain charges trying to help, but McCoy stops him. He tells Cain the fight is over, but he can go eat the goblins. Cain happily runs to the goblins, but they manage to escape via a failed weigh anchor. Virgo then knocks out Cain, and the whole crew is tied up, to be brought to the Silvermine Mountains. However, shortly after this encounter, they are confronted by an Ageless Crew...

Left on the Bocoe is Rick, who presumably takes over the ship if it didn’t sink. The goblins may have made their way onto the ship with Rick, however, this is not confirmed.

Lore Established[edit]

Major Lore[edit]

  • The events of this campaign are played out.
  • All of the characters listed above (except for the previous members of Merci's crew, Phineas, Bob, and Fenrus) are introduced, most notably Maelstrom and Virgo Sunsword.
  • Jo Krysstal and Rupert Beerstein die.
  • The members of the Merci's crew are changed. Kinney Boots leaves. Cain and Ladyir join. Rick Snot, Marco, Polo, Maelstrom, Phineas, and Bob initially join, but leave by the end of the campaign.
  • Virgo takes over the Bocoe and takes all of Merci's crew hostage. Rick Snot becomes the new captain of the Bocoe.
  • Laeyuleaugh and an Pier-17 are established.

Minor Lore[edit]

  • URealms exists as a role-playing game, as shown by Rick Snot.

Timeline Placement[edit]

Episode Guide[edit]

Title Airdate
Character Creation - Episode 0 Sep 11, 2015
Episode 1 Sep 13, 2015
Episode 2 Sep 13, 2015
Episode 3 Sep 14, 2015
Episode 4 Sep 14, 2015
Episode 5 Sep 15, 2015
Episode 6 Sep 15, 2015
Episode 7 Sep 16, 2015
Episode 8 Sep 16, 2015
Episode 9 Sep 17, 2015
Finale - Episode 10 Sep 17, 2015
Behind the Scenes Sep 25, 2015
Campaign Playlist


The new version of the "Fuck the Kobolds" song
Lyrics (Bob):
Fuck the kobolds, fuck them in the eye
Fuck the kobolds, fuck them 'till they die
Fuck the kobolds, fuck them in the butt
Fuck the kobolds, I'll tell you what

Lyrics (Phineas):
Fuck the kobolds, fuck them in the eye
Fuck the kobolds, fuck them 'till they die
Fuck the kobolds, fuck them everyway
I'll kill all kobolds and murder them today

See Also[edit]

Supporter Events[edit]

Main Page: Supporter Events


  • This is the first campaign that continues the story of a previous campaign.
  • Coestar is the fifth person to keep a Tambok Ticket for Tambok's Special Friend Show. He adds Terrence, and by extension Warren, to the show, despite Rob's comments on it being "Awkward for this type of show". They were later removed, as Goblins are not allowed to enter Tambok's Special Friend Show.
  • This Campaign occurs at the same time as The Skeleton King.